# Hold Me Tight  ## Metadata - Author: [[Sue Johnson]] - Full Title: Hold Me Tight - Category: #books ## Highlights - Love, it seemed, was all about nonnegotiables. You can’t bargain for compassion, for connection. These are not intellectual reactions; they are emotional responses. ([Location 66](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=66)) - Romantic love was all about attachment and emotional bonding. ([Location 87](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=87)) - Love has an immense ability to help heal the devastating wounds that life sometimes deals us. ([Location 126](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=126)) - Loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society. ([Location 127](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=127)) - “Love is everything it’s cracked up to be …” Erica Jong has written. “It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, your risk is even greater.” ([Location 137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=137)) - the number of people in their circle of confidants was dropping, and a growing number stated that they had no one at all to confide in. ([Location 164](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=164)) - “behind the mask of indifference is bottomless misery and behind apparent callousness, despair.” ([Location 203](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=203)) - we monitor and maintain emotional and physical closeness with our beloved; that we reach out for this person when we are unsure, upset, or feeling down; that we miss this person when we are apart; and that we count on this person to be there for us when we go out into the world and explore. ([Location 220](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=220)) - When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support—and better at giving it. ([Location 265](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=265)) - if they described themselves as uncomfortable with attachment needs, they became markedly less sympathetic when their partners expressed their needs, downplaying their partners’ distress, showing less warmth, and touching less. ([Location 272](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=272)) - When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them. ([Location 274](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=274)) - securely bonded adults were more curious and more open to new information. They were comfortable with ambiguity, saying they liked questions that could be answered in many different ways. ([Location 284](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=284)) - Curiosity comes out of a sense of safety; rigidity out of being vigilant to threats. ([Location 288](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=288)) - “Suffering is a given; suffering alone is intolerable.” ([Location 300](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=300)) - “We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” ([Location 341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=341)) - We do not know how to speak the language of attachment, we do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care. Often we speak tentatively because we feel ambivalent about our own needs. ([Location 385](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=385)) - We wind up demanding rather than requesting, which often leads to power struggles rather than embraces. ([Location 387](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=387)) - The demand-withdraw pattern is not just a bad habit, it reflects a deeper underlying reality: such couples are starving emotionally. They are losing the source of their emotional sustenance. They feel deprived. And they are desperate to regain that nurturance. ([Location 429](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=429)) - When a relationship is in free fall, men typically talk of feeling rejected, inadequate, and a failure; women of feeling abandoned and unconnected. ([Location 477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=477)) - Perhaps because they have more oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, in their blood, women reach out more to others when they feel a lack of connection. ([Location 479](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B004KZOXDG&location=479))