# The Surrendered Wife  ## Metadata - Author: [[Laura Doyle]] - Full Title: The Surrendered Wife - Category: #books ## Highlights - “To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making ([Location 350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=350)) - we could make our marriage work simply because there was so much goodness in it to start with. ([Location 359](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=359)) - From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I told him as much. Needless to say, he didn’t respond well to this. In fact, the more I tried to control him, the more strained things got. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road to marital hell. The more he resisted, the more I tried to control him, and the more frustrated and irritable we both got. In no time I was exhausted from trying to run my life and his. Even worse, I was becoming estranged from the man who had formerly made me so happy. Our marriage was in serious trouble and it had only been four years since we’d taken our vows. ([Location 361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=361)) - stopped bossing him around, giving him advice, burying him in lists of chores to do, criticizing his ideas and taking over every situation as if he couldn’t handle it, something ([Location 394](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=394)) - genuine gratitude and affection ([Location 397](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=397)) - “Which do I want more: To have control of every situation or to have an intimate marriage?” ([Location 408](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=408)) - emotional connection, lack of tension, dignity, having kindness and being able to relax always trumped getting the ([Location 409](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=409)) - surrendered wife is abundant where she used to feel impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered. ([Location 436](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=436)) - want my husband to bring out my very best. ([Location 446](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=446)) - no one would ever take care of us the way we wanted. ([Location 454](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=454)) - We embraced a childish belief that if we were always in charge, things were more likely to go our way. ([Location 455](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=455)) - never that we are so afraid of the unpredictable that we do everything in our power to insure a certain outcome. ([Location 461](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=461)) - Trusting is magical because people tend to live up to our expectations. ([Location 471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=471)) - on the other hand, you expect him to succeed, he is much more likely to do just that. ([Location 472](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=472)) - Trusting someone means you anticipate the best outcome–not the worst–when he’s in charge. When you trust, you don’t need to double-check, make back-up plans or be vigilant because you’re not expecting any danger. You can sleep with both eyes shut, knowing that everything’s going to be fine. It bears repeating: When you trust, you are anticipating the best outcome. ([Location 476](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=476)) - If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct, criticize and conquer a partner, then you are reacting to your fears. Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don’t need to try to dominate, manipulate or control it. ([Location 482](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=482)) - my fears were a conditioned response I had developed over the years to hide my own vulnerability–the soft underbelly that exposes me to both the greatest pain and the greatest pleasure. ([Location 485](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=485)) - control and intimacy are opposites. ([Location 490](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=490)) - Without being vulnerable, I can’t have intimacy. Without intimacy, there can be no romance or emotional connection. When I am vulnerable with my husband, the intimacy, passion and devotion seem to flow naturally. ([Location 490](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=490)) - If you can admit that you frequently or sometimes control, nag, or criticize your husband, then it is up to you and you alone to take the actions described here to restore intimacy to your marriage and dignity and peace to yourself. ([Location 514](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=514)) - You can’t make him change–you can only change yourself. The good news is that since you’ve identified the behaviors that contribute to your problems, you can begin to solve them. Rather than wasting time thinking about what my husband should do, I prefer to keep all my energy for improving my happiness. ([Location 518](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=518)) - it’s a way of acknowledging that you made a wise and thoughtful choice to marry a man who deserves your love and esteem. ([Location 632](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=632)) - what it was you saw in him that made you marry him in the first place. At that time you trusted and admired him. Chances are he’s not all that different now than he was then, and therefore is still worthy of your admiration. ([Location 640](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=640)) - accept his choices, big and small, even if you don’t agree with them.  You honor his choice of socks and stocks, food and friendships, art and attitudes. You listen to him and have regard for his ideas, suggestions, family and work. That doesn’t mean you have to make the same choices–just that you accept his. ([Location 645](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=645)) - In fact, no matter what your husband does, you will not try to teach, improve, or correct him. That is the essence of a surrendered wife. ([Location 653](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=653)) - Intimacy is made up of lots of little tender conversations–sometimes silly, sometimes solemn–that he wouldn’t have with anyone else in the world. In fact, the actual details of the conversation are less important than the fact that the conversation is happening and connecting you spiritually. ([Location 663](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=663)) - your husband manages to communicate, problem-solve, and produce in his job. Clearly he has the skills to do the same at home. So why doesn’t he? Whenever we feel as if we have an extra child instead of a husband, it’s because we’re treating our husbands like little boys instead of capable men. ([Location 694](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=694)) - What’s more important to you: having your watchful eye on everything or enjoying the warmth of intimacy? Recognize that those are your choices. ([Location 722](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=722)) - The same is true for getting along in your marriage: you’re going to have to yield even when you don’t feel like it to avoid a conflict. ([Location 727](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=727)) - find the grace to be generous. ([Location 729](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=729)) - Recall an occasion when your husband was thoughtful, courageous or self-sacrificing. Keep that picture in your mind so you resist the temptation to criticize him. ([Location 730](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=730)) - do your best to apologize when you’re critical, bossy, nagging or dismissing. This will feel odd–perhaps even dishonest at first. Still, I suggest that you take this leap and act as if you do respect your husband. This is a powerful practice, because it changes your focus from what you don’t hold in high regard to the things that you do admire. The next thing you know, you will start to feel genuine respect for him. ([Location 742](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00HBJ5W5Q&location=742))